Marriage, Misery or Mockery!

As the phone screamed out, shattering the afternoon stillness, I had no choice but to receive it. At least to stop its deafening cacophony. The sleep induced dazed mind was brought to consciousness by the high pitched voice on the other end. It suited a heady teenager more than a mom of a preteen. It was my friend R. I responded groggily, my Sunday slumberous intonation clearly giving away my activity! But the news filtering through my comatose grey cells galvanized me into the sitting position and we both, after an initial bout of silly giggles, reverted to our more sensible selves. Realisation dawned that it was not a laughing matter and a sensation of hollowness and a strange helplessness pervaded my being! Why, we discussed, was this farce being allowed to happen and the repercussions of this on all concerned !

This is about P...someone we knew from our growing up years. He was getting married next month and his engagement had already been held a week back.

Later, as I sat sipping tea on a quiet, still afternoon….memories of P kept flitting across. I remember him clearly.... a funny, entertaining fellow but different from the rest. After college got over, whatever little association we had with P, came to an end too. However, we knew vaguely what he was doing, where he was working etc etc. But it was his difference that would come up in our conversations from time to time.....
Though academically superlative and professionally successful, P was remembered by us for being a comical caricature...he himself had proudly narrated how popular he had been during his school days-enacting roles and mouthing dialogues of the reigning silverscreen queens! College was no different and he continued his exaggerated performances.

P was unambiguously effeminate…the walk, the talk, the gestures and facial expression.
Intelligent as he was, he loved (or so it appeared to us) to showcase his difference and seemed to bask in the misplaced attention he received! Leg-pulling, ridicule, crude comments never detered him.

He had the guts to be himself, indifferent to whether society laughed at him or with him ..

To me, a staunch introvert, this quality of his never failed to amaze me.....that he could laugh at himself and knew how to use the jokes and ridicule to his advantage by being in the limelight wherever he was! He was completely uninhibited and at ease with himself.

Back then, most of the guys would be in and out of love, infatuations, but not P. As a matter of fact no one expected him to fall in love in the ‘normal’ way. He never discussed this aspect of life....

So, even as many of us got married, and some confirmed bachelors continued living their bachelor lives, and some were too busy with careers to spare time for a family life, P always stayed clear of relationships of any kind. At least none in the public eye.

So news of his forthcoming marriage was shocking! The intricate details left me reeling and sad. Here was this 30 something fellow...successful and well settled in life, whose sexual preference was definitely NOT hetero; but emotional blackmailing by parents had forced him to sacrifice himself at the alter of popular preference. He has supposedly informed his parents not to expect anything more from him other than marrying the girl of their choice at the given date…his duty ended with that and the welfare of the girl was to be the parents’ responsibility!!!

I wonder what happened to the guy who was comfortable in his own skin and had the guts to be himself! I dont remember having known the escapist hypocrite who shielded the truth...but ten years is a long time and social stigma and parental pressure to conform to norms must have taken its toll...

And then what of this girl who was his fiancé? This girl, rather woman, of affluent background, was not only highly qualified, but a high-flying career woman. So what had compelled such a woman to agree to enter this farce of a relationship? Feigning ignorance regarding P was impossible as one just had to spend a few minutes in his company to know....

The woman’s point of view intrigued me more. Was she too succumbing to parental / social pressures of some kind?

Why is marriage so important in our society? And at what cost?

If even the well-educated, well-heeled and urban population are reduced to being mere puppets to unwritten social norms and would rather live a life of lies, hypocrisy, compromise and escapism, what happens to the less fortunate of the society!

Ramblings of a whimsical mind

I started writing this almost a week back....but never got down to completing it! So here goes my week old post...

What started out as a comment on a blogpost, has now found place in my blog as the topic kept nagging me since I read the post.

As I've mentioned earlier, the human psychology intrigues me no end. Though I am not audacious enough to claim even the slightest knowledge of the science that makes our mind function the way they do...but I love to observe, experience the various hues of human behaviour and guage what goes on in that soft core of our mind to make people do and think and react the way they do!

Sometimes or rather quite often, I feel we are a nation of hypocrites.

The world's 2nd most populous country cringes with awkwardness at the slightest mention of man-woman relationship. I wonder why?

Even a hint of the so called 'taboo' topics kicks up a storm and make us rush behind the purdahs! I wonder why....

Expressions of affection and (commercial) celebration of love generates hysterical and violent reaction from a section of society who claim to be upholders of the Indian culture. I wonder what exaclty is the definition of Indian Culture?

When our forefathers, thousands of years ago, could pen down the ultimate epic on the art and science of love and create architechtural marvels whose mysticism, aesthetics, sensuality evoke awe and appreciation worldwide even today, when they celebrated the beauty of Purush-Prokriti and evolution through procreation, I wonder why we have taken a regressive path.

Well our double standards have been brought out in an interesting manner in Dr Biswas's Blogpost, as I mentioned earlier. And that is exactly what got me thinking....of the system of union of modern day Purush-Prokriti in the form of marriage. why does the system of Indian marriage differ so greatly in reality from it's artistic depiction in literature, arts and popular mainstream visual arts.

Human beings especially young adults who form the major chunk of the main protagonists of our novels and films, be it in Bankim Chandra, Sarat Chandra's times or in Bollywoodian romance of Dilli6 or others, love to dream of an utopian world, far removed from practicalities.On the other hand, the enforcers of our social fabric, more rigid and eagle-eyed in the days of bankim babu than today's liberated urban india, continue to believe that a practical measuring up of the pros and cons of the prospective girl & boy...their social/religious compatibility, their financial status, etc etc & other business-transaction-like factors decide happiness in the union.But authors & film maker , being artists in their own right, are artistically & creatively inclined. To an artist, financial & worldly wise factors are meaningless (though in today's world even the creatively inclined are money-wise)...so the romantics that they are, create stories of utopian dreams, indifferent to reality. However, the money-wise, modern day creators know, that the common man & women, love to dream dreams, weave a rose tinted romantiic world where love conquers all. So knowing the weakness of our human mind, they encash on it, and give us images of mushy romance, where a taxi driver successfully woos and wins the rich man's daughter inspite of all obstacles. So what if in the 'real' india, girls are bartered and then battered to death !! As for me, I believe, arranged or love, the basis of marriage should be bonding, friendship, mutual respect & trust. Love is such an ephemeral thing....we dont even know how to define it and what it's all about. Scientists call it a chemical secretion of an enzyme the effect of which can last a maximum of 7 years. That's too clinical for me and i have seen bonding for years which is ten times that 7!!We see love marriages fall apart within months of formalising several years of courtship and we see complete strangers built a beautiful lifelong partnership brick by brick! I wonder which one of the two I would call LOVE...We humans put tags of love & arranged to such a complex relationship which need so much more than sugary filmy style love....we humans are such complex creatures after all!